The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
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The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]