[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
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Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.