[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
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*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I’ve had relationships like this
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.