@leechee420: Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
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@markedly: Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants. Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
@UncleBob56: Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line? Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma G-ma: Can he use my walker? He's been drinking.
@ShtFatGirlsSay: Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life...if my math is correct i died in 1781
@DanDoofus: Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so's my liver but you don't see me slowing down because of it.