Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
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Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”