Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).