Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Put a ring on it
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.