*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
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If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.