@sixfootcandy: Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
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@hamersauce: i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
@SirEviscerate: *dumps more fleas on my head* *sits back down in front of chimpanzee* So, anyway, like I was saying...
@ActuallyEmerson: Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
@truegritrumble: ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative. JOHN: Dad, we know. OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious. GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.