Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
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Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
guilty
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.