@MrJeberling: "Screw you, my face doesn't look like that at all" - an actual duck.
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@dafloydsta: WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
@candace_9871: It's like my Mom used to say, always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man's life.
@OreoSpeedwagon_: I'm like a Ferrero Rocher in that I'm quite nutty and go down nicely with wine. I also come in family size.