@MrJeberling: "Screw you, my face doesn't look like that at all" - an actual duck.
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@TheRealNickKay: [Walks in on girlfriend on death bed] ME: [Crying] this can't be happening GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
@Jake_Vig: HER: I think we should see other people. ME: I don't. We're awful. We should leave other people alone.
@RadBadger: Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.