Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
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If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Has there ever been a more American story?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.