Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
You Might Also Like
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade