Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
You Might Also Like
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Lmao
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
What
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀