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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
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‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
*pronounces patio like ratio
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.