SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
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Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My therapist after every session
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
New comic up. “Ransom”
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.