SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
You Might Also Like
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
*me flirting
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
When you can’t find your friend Neil
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it