I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
You Might Also Like
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
“What?”
– Jude
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”