Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
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Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.