Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
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Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Unimpressed
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.