Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
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I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Same pineapple, same
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits