Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
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Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
How I’d get arrested…
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.