Go girl power!
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Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell