Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
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My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
How do dragons blow out candles?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.