[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
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Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
real
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.