SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
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[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.