Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
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Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.