I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
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I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.