[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
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My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts