Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
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*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married