[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching