Seals are just dog mermaids.
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Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Forever 21… pounds overweight
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Sharon, call the vet
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
“OMGJK” -atheists
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow