@blamingboredom: Seals are just dog mermaids.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
@MikeLonghelt: They told me to spread love wherever I go. Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella. You can never win with some people.
@withanewname: [breaking up with girlfriend via the jumbotron] "Hey, check out the scoreboard while I grab a hot dog."