@blamingboredom: Seals are just dog mermaids.
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@SomthinBoutSara: I'm gonna pretend my dad didn't abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he'll be back
@kumailn: Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.
@P_o_n_k: [Shower] ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground
@ZachXJ: Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, "Don't tell my mom."