“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
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For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?