“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
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“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.