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[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.