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If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Friends that check up on you >
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
japanese corn
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I think we should hear other voices.