@krissywillbretz: Searched my teens room for drugs, was told "you don't give me enough money for drugs." I don't know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@LuvPug: Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You'd think SOMEONE could've let me know I was out of toilet paper.
@mantej: Why would anyone ever think gay people tear apart the fabric of society? They love fabric.
@HenpeckedHal: Autocorrect changed "decaffeinated" to "defecated", and despite what my wife may claim, I'm pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
@JohnLyonTweets: My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.