Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
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Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Cat is stressing him out.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
The honesty is refreshing
DOOO EEEET
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Good morning, Twitter x
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse