Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
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A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”