*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
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Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.