[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
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I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.