[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
You Might Also Like
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.