Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
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Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Put this video in the Louvre
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation