Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
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Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong