I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
You Might Also Like
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Very problematic
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
the simulation is moving too fast
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
shut up and take my money
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy