Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
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You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
If you love someone, let them tweet.