Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
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Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?