[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
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I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
The “baby” on the left….
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.