Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
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Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish