[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
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sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I’m too immature for adultery.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?