[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
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HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
cry laughing at this shit
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats