[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
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[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
ibopfufen
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
President The Rock Obama
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*